20 Questions: A Communication Game to Strengthen Your Marriage

My husband and I recently participated in a University study that focused on strengthening marriages. Why? Because marriage can be hard! Amazing, wonderful, fun, exciting, romantic and all that, yes, but also HARD! So, what was one of the most helpful lessons to strengthening our marriage that we learned from participating in this study? A little something called a “Love Map.”

 

 

Marriage researcher John Gottman calls a “love map” a “mental notebook where you write down unique traits of your spouse and things about him or her you want to remember.” Things such as: important dates, dreams, goals, fears, likes, dislikes, favorite things, etc. Ever had a spouse forget an anniversary? Or did you ever try to spoil your spouse by buying him or her a treat only to find out that they've mentioned before that it wasn't their favorite? My sweet, thoughtful, generous husband is so good at spoiling me but there was a time that we laugh about now because everything he did was such a sweet thought but just slightly off from what I liked. I love the Werther's Creamy Filling candies and he remembered that I liked Werther's but bought me the originals instead of the kind I loved. A sweet thought and so close. Another time, after a long hard day he went to pick up a pizza so I wouldn't have to cook and I asked if that restaurant had the bread-stick crust. He came home and was so proud of himself. He declared, “Honey! I got you the pretzel crust you wanted!” We laughed so hard about this because that pretzel crust was nasty but he was so sincere in his efforts! So close and yet so far! Don't get me wrong– he totally deserved props for trying and he received them but it was time to refresh his love map for both our sake!

 

 

THEY STRENGTHEN MARRIAGES. Love maps must be constantly updated, it's not good enough to have an accurate one of your spouse from when you first got married or started dating. People and circumstances change. If you keep your love map of your spouse up to date, you'll be able to better weather difficult and stressful times because you'll know what your spouse needs and they'll know what you need. Think back to when you had your first baby. Did your marriage improve or did it get a little rocky there for a bit? Not going to lie, for us, although happy and full of joy, it was also stressful and easy to snap at each other. Gottman did a study on how marriages were affected at the time of the couples' first child and concluded that, “The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go…These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval.”

 

It is so important to be refreshing your “love map” throughout life– continually learning each other's thoughts and feelings so that when stress comes, you are in the habit of it and you have more to love because you know more about each other.

 

So, here's the clincher– HOW DO YOU STRENGTHEN YOUR LOVE MAPS?

 

This is the fun part! Make it a game! Ever heard of 20 questions? My husband and I started playing this game in the car. In the past, I've been guilty of paying attention to my phone and social media more than my husband when we drove (don't worry– he's the driver) but when we switched to playing 20 Questions, our communication and marital satisfaction began to sky-rocket! It was a fun way to learn more about each other and we've been married four and a half years!

So, how does 20 Questions work? Write down or spontaneously create a list of at least 20 detailed personal questions.  Be creative and cover lots of different subjects ranging from silly to serious. Then take turns asking each other the questions. Once you've gone through all of them, turn it around and have your spouse answer for you. For example, instead of asking, “What is your favorite dessert?” ask, “What is my favorite dessert?” Feel free to keep score but make sure to keep it fun and lighthearted– avoid being too competitive. This should be an enjoyable and bonding game!

 

 

 “Family: Which of my parents do I think I'm most like? Why?
Friends: Name two of my best friends and how I met them.
Work: How do I feel about my boss? What would I change about my job?
Hobbies: What are my three favorite things to do in my spare time?
Dreams: What is one of my unrealized dreams?
Favorites: What is my favorite dessert? TV show? Sports team?
Feelings: What makes me feel stressed? When do I feel confident?”

 

 

 

 

The great thing about playing this game in the car is that you may not get through all the questions in one sitting and that's okay! In our experience, the questions have almost always led to great conversations where we communicated freely and learned more about each other!

 

So next time you hop in the car with your spouse, instead of pulling out your phone– start asking questions!

RELATIONSHIP REVEAL

Another fun marriage-strengthening activity you can try, is Relationship Reveal. You can turn it into a game, or use them in the car to aid communication, or even as aids to your weekly or monthly marriage goals. I like to display one attribute by my mirror each week. It gives me something to focus on, and some creative ways to do so. Read more about how it works on the Relationship Reveal Website.