I read an excellent post today about the rise of social media and the way we compare ourselves as moms. ย In this post, she said the following:
“Before our lives became so easily promoted and quickly communicated, we were all in our homes doing our own thing. Coloring ornaments or opening a box. Baking cookies or opening a box. Doing life handmade or opening a box. And nobody knew, and really nobody cared. Because we were all making it work best way we knew how. Our kids were loved, and that was all that mattered.”
There seems to be a lot of opinions as well as judgement out there on what makes a good mom, many of them conflicting with each other.
When I was in college I worked at a treatment center for troubled teen girls. ย This was challenging at times, but one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had. ย These girls came with all sorts of issues they were dealing with, from drugs to mental illness to suicidal thoughts and actions. ย Before or after our shifts we had the opportunity as staff to read from each girl’s “Book of Life,” is what I called it. ย In these books contained each girl’s story–their treatment plans as well as their past history and all the hardships–and often times abuse that they had experienced. ย What made this job unique for me was that I had never in my life felt such strong love for an individuals that sometimes treated me so badly. ย Meaning, at times I was the target of some of the meanest things that have ever been said to me, and yet their insults (and sometimes physical bites and punches), were not taken personally. ย Why? ย Because I knew their story. ย I knew what they had been through in their life and this gave me a unique love and perspective for their current circumstance.
At home with the kids? Instantly access any of these printable activity bundles to keep them learning!
There’s No “One Way” to be a Good Mom
Since that time I have often had the thought, “what if we had the book to each others lives, especially as mothers?” ย I think we would love each other a lot more and judge each other a lot less. ย I have also wondered why we can’t be just a little more like men in this way. ย How rare would it be to witness a group of men gathered together discussing other men’s parenting styles, weight loss patterns, or why the man next door is letting his wife bottle feed their baby? ย Pretty rare. ย Not that men don’t ย ever gossip, but it is much more rare.
I feel that if we knew each other’s life, story and the intentions of our hearts we would extend a helping hand or listening ear rather than a critical judgement. ย As a mom I’ve been shocked at some of the things that come out of other mom’s mouths, statement about ย “the bad mom” that doesn’t spend enough time with her children or the neglectful mom that doesn’t immunize, or the “lazy” mom that doesn’t discipline and teach like she “should.” ย I’m sure we’ve all heard, read or been the object of various judgements when it comes to working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, strict and protective parents vs. lenient and careless parents, and don’t even get me started with breast-feeding! ย The reality is that the mom that isn’t spending enough time with her children (like we think she should), is probably exhausted, tired, and over working herself in ways we don’t understand. ย The mom that isn’t immunizing her children has probably not made her decision on a neglectful “whim,” but has probably done a lot of research and chosen what she felt was best. ย And the mom that isn’t “disciplining” her child as we thought she out to? ย Maybe she is actually in tune with her intuition as a mother and knows her own child better than we do, or maybe she’s doing 5 times better than how her own parents did with her. ย These moms are good moms.
And unfortunately, I have been guilty myself at passing judgement at times. ย Just last week and article went viral on Facebook about a mom’s plea for other mom’s to take things down a notch and stop making a big deal out of all the holidays. ย She mentioned the moms that go out of their way to home make their valentines, set leprechaun traps, and celebrate Dr. Seuss’ birthday. ย A lot of moms agreed with her, but my first reaction to her post was, “What fun-spoiler!” ย I passed judgement on her as a mom in a way, and was feeling regretful about it days later. ย In retrospect, this mother just finds joys in mothering differently than I do. ย I personally love doing little things to make celebrations out of the ordinary, but I am also in a different phase of life than her and I have more time for it. ย She loves her children, and more than likely she is doing her best to be a good mom just like the rest of us. ย With a few more years and a few more children, I might even find myself agreeing with everything that she said.
One thing I don’t want to regret when I get to the other side is the way that I perceived people. ย I don’t want to look down on the life that they lived, or their “life story,” full of challenges, worries and frustrations and say, “Wow. ย I totally judged you wrongly. ย How did I not know how amazing you really are?” ย I’m sure we will all experience a little of this, but I would like to limit it as much as possible.
One of my favorite movies is “the Help.” ย I think it does a good job of portraying both sides: ย How mean and nasty we can be to each other as women, and also how compassionate, kind and caring we are capable of being. ย I especially love the relationship between Celia and Minnie.
Here is the clip of their first meeting. ย I love how different they are, and yet they grow to be great friends.
Even my husband teared up at the ending scene when Celia and her husband honored Minnie with a special meal. ย I think one of the most beautiful things to witness or be a part of in this life, is when two people who originally see each other very differently, or even strongly dislike each other–when those two people grow in love and respect for each other and become the greatest friends.
In reality the majority of us are doing our best with what life gives us, and each of us struggle and triumph in different ways. ย Some mothers are better teachers, some mothers are better at discipline, some are more sensitive to their children’s emotions, and some are better crafters and cooks. ย We would all be more successful if we were quick to notice each others strengths and take a moment to learn things in a different way. ย One thing I love about my mother-in-law is that she is completely opposite of my own mother and yet I love everything about her. ย I love my own mother and I adore her for the wonderful job that she did in raising us kids. ย She taught us the things that really mattered and a lot of the good things that have occurred in my life I owe to her influence; however, having a mother-in-law with a completely different personality has taught me that success as a mother can be accomplished in a million different ways, none of them being particularly “right” or “wrong.” ย I’m really lucky in a way because I get to learn from both of these women and decide in what ways I would like to emulate them both. ย Likewise, I have had the opportunity to watch both my own siblings as well as my sister-in-laws parent in a variety of different ways. ย Each of them parent in a unique way, and each of them love their children a whole bunch. ย Because of our large families and the variety of personalities that exist within in them I have a whole rainbow of examples to observe and learn from, and I admire each of them for their strength and diligence to be the most amazing parents that they know how to be.
May we delight in our differences as mothers and be each other’s best support. ย May we use Pinterest as a great resource for recipes, ideas, and printables when we have no time to come up with them ourselves (and not as a “measuring” tool for comparing us with other mothers). ย And may we, like Aibileen from “the Help,” uplift and teach each other: “You is Kind, You is Smart, you is important.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZimx1wHYcs
And if your toughest critic is yourself, ease up on yourself. ย You are doing better than you think. ย Just keep doing your best. ย The moms that I look up to are the ones that are doing their best to be as kind as they can be–to other moms, to their husbands and to their children…and when they mess up or have a “grumpy day,” they pray for God’s help and start all over again the next day. ย This is the mom I hope to both be and become.
I love this quote by M. Russel Ballard: “There isย noย one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.”
Since Mother’s Day is only a month away, let’s have fun by spending the next month praising and supporting other moms. ย Send this free printable card to another mom letting her know that she’s doing an amazing job!
What’s the best and most tactful way to turn conversation when moms start to gossip?
What’s the best way to keep perspective when you want to pass judgement on another mom?
Photo credits:
Betty Taylor says
Enjoyed this and I totally agree. And I loved “The Help”.
Debbie wyler says
Thank you so much for this post! I have thought many of these same things many times during my time as a mother. It has always confused me why mothers aren’t more supportive of each other. We have so much to gain from remembering we are all on the same team. We really rob ourselves (and our children) of so much when we spend time comparing ourselves to other moms or criticizing others. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!
Tina M says
Thanks for being such a great support Debbie! I appreciate your comments. ๐
Trisha says
Well said, Tin!
Nan says
I have never seen “The Help” but it was sure a cute clip! Makes me want to see it now, lol! Beautiful post and I loved what you said here: “We would all be more successful if we were quick to notice each others strengths and take a moment to learn things in a different way.”
I parented differently than two of my friends when my kids were born. One of them was a yeller and yelled and screamed at her kids, and that really bothered me.
The other one was really relaxed and she let her kids run around and didn’t watch them very much. One of them nearly drowned and was rescued by her brother and the other nearly fell off a cliff and was rescued by me. She made me nervous too (needless to say I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my children with her).
But I did learn some parenting things from both these moms. Sometimes I learned what NOT to do, and yet other times I learned what to do. The first mom, for all her yelling, had some great ideas on what to serve for lunches and snacks, and how to keep the kids happy after nap time and before dinner.The second mom was a fun, relaxed mom and I learned how to relax a bit and make up some fun activities to do with my kids.Thanks so much for linking up to “Making Your Home Sing Monday” today! ๐
Tina M says
Thanks for your examples Nan! I’m sure there’s a least one thing we can learn from other moms that do things differently, and lucky you for figuring that out!
Allyson says
You have to see The Help! It’s the best best best!
nikki says
Thank you SOOO much for this post. Such a thoughtful and articulate message. I couldn’t agree more that there’s no one way to be a “good mom”. I also like to celebrate holidays and the little details and tend to go over-the-top sometimes. But, there are other Mommy things I’m terrible at – cleaning and cooking. For a long time, I thought I was a failure as a wife and mom because I couldn’t cook and my house wasn’t organized very well. But, I’ve found other ways to make my family feel special and it’s working. As women, we need to celebrate each others differences and qualities, because who knows … maybe one day I’ll learn from a fellow mom how to be a great cook ๐
Tina M says
I think I’m a lot like you Nikki! Unfortunately my husband is much more organized and tidy than I am, but hopefully my creative brain makes up for the areas I lack ๐
Melissa says
I love the help! Made my husbabd watch it too. I thought he wasnt really payong ttention but he now tells my daughter….she kind, smart, important, and adds beautiful! I guess he was watching more than i thought.
Melissa says
Goodness auto carrect didnt work well…paying attention* and she’s
Tina M says
Awe, that’s so cute that he tells her that Melissa!
Ellora Drinnen (@CreatvlySouthrn) says
Great post and I love the quote. Pinned it! ๐
Tina M says
Thanks so much for the pin Ellora!
Julia Forshee says
Thanks for sharing this post at our weekly link up!! I needed this today ๐
Tina M says
You are so very welcome Julia! Thank you so much for reading it
Ashley says
Well said! I feel like I am a terrible mother a couple days a week…but I try to remember that my child is not the neighbor’s child, I am not the neighbor… and I love the conference quote (which I can’t remember who said it) about how a child is in a specific family for a reason-it is meant to be and ‘predestined’ for a specific child to be with a specific mother (& father). Thanks for the loving insight and encouragement!
Tina M says
Thank you Ashley! Unfortunately I think to many of us feel like terrible mothers too often. I’m right there with you! However, focusing on the things we are good at is FAR more motivating than the contrary. I wish we all pointed these things out in each other more often
Vicky @ Mess For Less says
Thanks for this great post! Our pastor recently talked about how Facebook was causing so many young moms feeling bad about themselves and I totally agree.
completepackagemama says
This is a great reminder. It is all about which “stage” we are in and I have many times looked back on things that I have said or thought about another mother before I had experienced that stage myself and regretted it. Now I try to understand that we all parent differently and I can’t give my opinion if I haven’t lived it myself
Tina M says
Perfectly said! My older sister (10 years older) especially likes to remind me of things I said to her as a 12-year old. Now she just laughs at me now that I’m a mom myself.
Claudia says
Lovely, thought provoking post, Kristina. I think comparing ourselves with others is something we all do, but with the growth of blogs and the internet, it is far too easy to think everyone else is doing it better.
Thanks so much for joining in this week!
xo
Claudia
Susan says
A very thoughtful post. I am not a mom, so I never really have to think about this, but I am sure that many need to hear this. Wishing you a very Blessed Easter.
Big Hugs,
Susan and Bentley
Lucy Martin says
Hi there, your icon on My Favorite Thing caught my eye…love this post, very well thought out writing.Blessings..Lucy.
Allyson says
Thanks for sharing this at my link party last week! I am featuring it today! Come on by and link up again! Thanks!! http://domesticsuperhero.com/2013/04/04/sharing-with-domestic-superhero-thursday-5/
Kailene says
Thank you for this post! I feel like you put into words the exact way I feel about motherhood right now and the plague of comparison that comes with it in this new age of social media! I lead a small group for moms at my church and my heart is to set moms free from comparing and competing! I am going to share this post with them this week! Blessings!