My title feels a little dramatic, but it’s literally how I felt several nights ago as I laid awake ALL. NIGHT. LONG. convulsing and shaking, and feeling pain from head to toe. I’ve never been that sick before.
Tuesday night, I literally thought I might pass on in the middle of the night, and wondered if maybe my infection had progressed to Sepsis. I was a little freaked.
The night before I knew my UTI had probably progressed to a kidney infection from the back pain and nausea that I was feeling, but I had no clue how quickly it could all progress.
Wednesday, I couldn’t hold anything down, could hardly move, and felt like I was on the verge of losing consciousness, so I finally went to the hospital for a stronger IV antibiotic.
As I sat there on the IV drip, I started to ponder what the purpose was in all this. And almost as soon as I asked the question, “what am I to learn?” my spirit answered.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole journey, it’s how much our spirits and bodies are connected. You can’t hold a grudge against someone and think that it’s not going to affect your health in some way. If you want to live in full health and joy, then you gotta let it all go!
I’ve come to think our bodies communicate with us all of the time, but we live too busy of lives to pay attention. If you had asked me two weeks ago if I was holding any grudges against anyone, I probably would have quickly said no. But this last week taught me different.
How it Started
There was a doctor from over a year ago that I went to when my health really started regressing (This was before I found out about the Lyme Disease). After explaining all of my symptoms (short-term memory loss, numbness in my limbs, brain fog and cognitive issues, among others…), he went on to give me a little “memory test.”
At the end he said, “well, I would say you passed. You missed one question, but who knows if that was real or not.”
He then went on to explain that sometimes a mental illness can make you think you have symptoms that don’t exist, and pushed for me to try an anti-depressant.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This began my “era of darkness” that I have referred to in the past. The feeling was that of, “If my own doctor doesn’t believe me, how will I ever get well?” I felt so lost.
Not to mention, my pride was really hurt. Someone I trusted to help me, pretty much told me I was crazy.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
I never went back to that doctor (and vowed I never would)….. Until last week (I had to fill out new paperwork because it had been so long). I think God knew it had to take something really serious to get me to rise above my pride and go back. It also took going back into that office for me to realize the uncomfortable truth: I still hadn’t forgiven him.
There were many times that I told myself that I did, but it was obvious by the feelings that came up as I walked into his office, that I still have a lot of work to do. And I’m grateful to my kidneys for alerting me, because I don’t want anything holding me back on my journey to full health.
This week’s lesson was to slow down and pay more attention. If you notice ill feelings come up in regards to someone else, take care of them right in that moment! It’s much less painful to CHOOSE to be humble early on, than to wait until you are compelled to be humble.